Ants VS Life, the Universe and Everything
by mega-mutt
Summary: The inhabitants of the Heart of Gold noticed an ant infestation. Little do they know, these ants will require a lot more than pest control...
1. Queen Zaphod

_**ANTS VS. LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING.**_

**_Author's Note:_** Yes, ants. Don't ask. It will be extremely strange and if you don't like strange, you wont like this fanfic. This fic is about an ant infestation that requires a whole lot more than pest control. I do not own anything as far as I know. Another thing, please read and review but don't whine on saying "Adams wouldn't write that, Adams wouldn't have Ford do the chicken dance with a purple flying dishwasher etc." because I have not got the books at the moment. A friend is borrowing them. That's right, I DO have friends (as hard as that is to believe).

_**Chapter 1: Queen Zaphod.**_

Arthur and Ford examined the ant trails in bewildered silence. Normally ants were creatures of the planet Earth. Since the Earth no longer existed, one would be right to assume that ants would no longer exist as well. However, for some bizarre reason, that was not true. Just recently, Arthur, Ford, Zaphod and Trillian had noticed that the Star ship Heart Of Gold had been suffering an ant infestation.

The four had been positively alarmed by the sudden appearance of the millions of ants. Particularly Zaphod. The two-headed ex-President of the Galaxy had become annoyingly superstitious about the whole thing.

"I'm telling you, Arthur," Said Ford Prefect. "We should just get some pest control guy out and be done with it!"

"We can't, Zaphod would go crazy at us!" Protested Arthur.

"He _is _crazy, in case you haven't noticed. He says that the ants are threatening him or something. He says they spell stuff out in formations!" Ford said angrily.

Arthur thought for a moment. "Lets follow the trails and see where they go."

Arthur and Ford followed the creatures' trails for a bit, eventually meeting up with Trillian and Zaphod in a corridor.

"See? See? I told you!" Zaphod was saying while pointing at one of the many curving trails on the wall.

Trillian turned to the approaching Arthur and Ford. "Looks like Zaphod is right." She said. "Look at that."

She pointed to a space a few feet above Ford's head where the ants were gathered. Arthur and Ford stared for a moment.

"I see it." Ford said quietly.

"I don't." Said Arthur, somewhat angrily.

"Just there, below the light." Trillian directed.

All of a sudden, Arthur saw it.

The ants had formed a long and curly trail. Looking at it from the correct angle, it spelt out a message.

It said:_ Greetings, inhabitants of this craft. We are a race of highly intelligent beings called Antian Nellex Telebutons, or as you may know us, ants. We come in temporary peace. If you help us to get what we want and do not resist, we may give you a few minutes warning before we kill you with bombs. If you do resist and refuse to co-operate we will kill you immediately. Have a nice day._

"That's a lot of big words for a bunch of ants." Said Ford.

The others agreed.

"So, what do we do? Should we take it seriously? I mean, they're a bunch of little black things that crawl around and get in your clothes and bite you in nasty places." Arthur said.

"Personal experience?"

Arthur nodded.

"They have bombs," Zaphod pointed out.

"So?"

"They'll kill us!" Zaphod exclaimed.

"They're ants, Zaphod." Trillian said gently.

"With bombs…"

"Fine, why don't we see what they want, first?" Trillian looked at Arthur.

"All right, then," He said uneasily. "Ford, you do it!"

"What? Why me?"

"Why not you? They're only ants."

"With bombs." Zaphod interjected.

"If they're only ants, why don't you do it?"

"Ants with bombs." Zaphod muttered.

"Can you just be quiet, please?" Arthur snapped.

"I'll do it." Trillian stepped forwards. "Ants? What do you wish for us to do?"

The ants scrambled about on the wall until they were in a new formation.

It said: _We speak only to the two-headed one. _

Zaphod blinked. "Me? OK, then. Ants, can I ask you something?"

The ants made a new message.

It said: _Ask away._

"How much wood can a wood chopper chop if a wood chopper would chop wood?"

The ants formed a giant question mark.

"Zaphod!" Trillian exclaimed.

"All right, all right. So, what do you cats, no, _ants_, want out of us?"

The ants made yet another formation.

It said: _Universal domination. You shall do our dirty work._

"Well, that just about sums it all up, doesn't it?" Ford said brightly.

After many lengthy conversation and quite a few days locked in alone with the ants, Zaphod emerged onto the bridge of the Heart Of Gold quite happily.

"The ants have made me their queen!" He said.

Trillian, Ford and Arthur all had a disturbing thought: Zaphod wearing a tiara on each head.

"Wouldn't you have to be female to be queen?" Ford asked.

"They made an exception." Zaphod said simply.

"So, you would be a queen, then?"

"No, I am the _queen_ of the ants." Zaphod put emphasis on the word 'queen'.

Arthur simply laughed. Why not? "All right, then, _Queen_ Zaphod. What do the ants want?"

"Like they said, Monkeyman. Universal domination. We just have to fly around and break stuff for them." Zaphod explained.

"And you're all right with that?"

"It's all hoopy to me."

"So," Ford sighed. "What now?"

"The ants are taking us to their home planet."

"Which is where?"

"The ants are sorting that out."

There was an uncomfortable silence for the rest of the journey.

**_Author's Note: _** So, how was it? I think there was WAY too much talking. There's a little more action in the next chapter though. Please read and review.


	2. Scrabble

_**ANTS VS. LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING.**_

**_Author's Note:_** Hi, everyone. Here's the next chapter of Ants VS LUE. The plot doesn't exactly go very far in this chapter but it's entertaining all the same. It's pretty straightforward; Trillian and Arthur play scrabble. Just because nothing happens here, that doesn't mean you shouldn't read it. It actually has relevance to something that will happen later. Once again, please read and review (constructive criticism VERY welcome). Just bear in mind, I don't own anything. Not even the ants. Also, if you're a fan of _Stargate: Atlantis _please read my buddy divinepurity's fanfic called "Atlantis". Share and Enjoy!

_**Chapter 2: Scrabble.**_

After a few minutes, the Heart Of Gold approached the strangest looking planet the crew had ever seen. Even Marvin the Paranoid Android admitted it was odd.

Instead of round or cube shaped like most planets were in this dimension, this one was conical. From far away, it looked like a huge mound of weirdly shaped dirt. When the Starship was closer, the crew could see lots of tiny little holes with millions of ants pouring out of each one. In the flat part of the cone was a huge crater. Strangely enough, it was shaped like a spaceport. Trillian parked the Heart Of Gold there.

After arguing for several minutes, Zaphod and Ford stepped onto the planet of Antia Nellex Telebuta, the ants' home world. Zaphod walked out confidently after a large army of ants. Ford was more uncertain and nervous; he clutched his ragged towel and his copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He planned on making an entry on the planet while Zaphod sorted out the tricky stuff.

Inside the ship, Trillian and Arthur were playing Scrabble. Trillian placed a few tiles above the letter D. The word now spelt 'observed'.

"Trillian?"

"Yes, Arthur?"

"We could probably play scrabble with them."

Trillian looked up from the board. "Who? Zaphod and Ford? Trust me, Zaphod cheats and I'm not entirely sure Ford knows how to spell."

"No, no," Arthur also looked up from the board. "I mean the ants."

"What? Use them as letters?"

"No, well, yes. Kind of. They could get together and spell words. Like we are now. It's you against me. Why not you against me against the ants? The seem to spell better than Ford, and I don't think they'll cheat…"

"OK, then. Lets go find some and ask them if they'd like to play."

Arthur and Trillian found a reasonable amount of ants in the bathroom of the Heart Of Gold. The ants agreed to play. Once the humans had explained the rules, the ants decided that they would move the individual tiles around themselves. So, to the humans' amazement, the tiny creatures formed seven groups and each group dragged one letter out of the bag and put it on the stand. When it was the ants' turn, they re-formed into their groups and dragged each letter onto the scrabble board. Once again, the ants then ventured into the bag and got out the required number of letters.

Towards the end of the game, Arthur noticed that there were considerably less ants and the remaining ones were scuttling about in agitation. When he looked inside the bag, he found out why the ants were so upset. Many of them had gone into the bag and had not been able to get out again. Arthur tipped the bag out gently and removed the ants. From then on, the letters stayed out of the bag.

Trillian had found the ants were actually quite intelligent. They were one of the hardest opponents she had ever come across. That was certainly saying something because when she was in university, Trillian, or Tricia as she was called back then, had held the Scrabble Master title for six years in which one of those years she broke a ninety-year-old top score record. Nevertheless, the ants were still very good. At one point, they spelt 'quixotic' on a triple word score. At the end of the game, the scores were terribly close. Trillian won by one point and Arthur was tied with the ants. The ants formed a message on the table.

It said: _Best out of five?_

****

**_Author's Note: _**How was that? Not too painful, I hope. Umm, chapter 3 is on the way though it may take some time as I don't really know where to go from here. By the way, to "John" who reviewed chapter 1, WTF is Gaint Emp? You have aroused my interest…. Anyway, read and review.


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